Mind Straw #1: July Five 2023

So this is my first one of these... I'm not sure exactly what to talk to about. At the very least, I'll have whatever I write here as my Mind Straw of the day. At the very most, I may be able to edit together a video with me narrating this – or maybe I'll decide to talk about something else entirely for a video.

I think something on my mind often – in social situations – is the feeling of being out of place. It's so familiar to me. For a while, I think between middle school and high school, feeling out of place was the norm. Like, I think that's just what I thought I was.

"I'm someone who is always out of place, not really belonging to here ..."

But what is here? Back then, it didn't matter. Like, regardless of the location, in any social situation (except with close loved ones), I felt like I didn't belong. It could be at school, or in the grocery store, or on a flight. It felt like something was wrong. Like I was wrong in some intrinsic way. And I know exactly how it feels even now because I still experience it often. I mean way, way less often – but still. It feels like I'm taking up space I don't deserve. I become hyper-aware of myself. The way my face feels, the positioning of my body. My awareness becomes tuned to my body, every micro-movement, every micro-thought, every micro-sensation. It is crippling. Because I take myself so seriously in these moments. Everything anybody else does or that happens in my environment becomes ammunition to use against myself in a negative way. Everything becomes about me, in the worst way.

It's like my mind is telling me: you don't belong here. And then tries to hyper-focus on myself to gather evidence to support that thesis. And the more evidence I find, the more I hyper-focus. It's a vicious cycle.

Okay but it's really not so bad anymore. After a couple years of serious introspection – the positive kind, not the vicious negative kind. As well as therapy, meditation, and genuine friendships. I've actually begun to take refuge in myself: that is, becoming comfortable doing nothing, just sitting with myself. Not needing to search hopelessly for external sources of quick gratification to make myself feel better to ignore the fact that I'm unhappy with myself. I'm starting to realize really corny things like: "It's all here, I'm good enough."

The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran has a wonderful quote related to this: "Is not dread of thirst when your well is full, the thirst that is unquenchable?" The quote relates to this because the truth is: we can find a way to relax in this very moment, and be okay with the way things are in this moment. Often looking for that "last piece" to make you feel whole is never-ending.

So yeah. It's the end of the day now. I started making a video out of this idea. But didn't have time to finish it. So tomorrow, the Mind Straw of the day will be a video relating to this idea.

Be well and be be.

Pavan